45 of Dwight Schrute's Funniest and Most Unhinged Quotes from The Office

Question: Would The Office be what it is today without Dwight Schrute? No, no it would not. The competitive, yet very gullible and very peculiar top Dunder Mifflin paper salesman is truly a one-of-a-kind character. From his beet farm to his mustard yellow work shirts, Dwight Schrute is behind some of the sitcom’s most memorable moments and quotes.

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Played by Rainn Wilson for all nine seasons of The Office, the role of Dwight nearly went to another actor. When The Office was holding auditions for the cast we know and love today, Wilson had been committed to another pilot. "On the way to the table read for [the other show], I ran into this TV executive, and he's like, 'Oh, I'm so excited, we're gonna do the American version of The Office.' And I had seen the English version — I loved it. And outside, I was like, 'Oh, that's great.' Inside, I was like, 'F-ck, I wanna be on that,'" Wilson told Theo Von on the This Past Weekend podcast in 2023.

The other show ultimately didn't get picked up, which meant Wilson could audition for Dwight. "Sure enough, a month later, [I] auditioned for The Office, and got Dwight a few months after that," he added. "So, ya never know, kiddies. Sometimes a rejection and a disappointment is a good thing and it just is a path forward where other doors can open."

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Now, Dwight is easily one of the most recognizable and beloved TV characters. Whether he was brown-nosing his boss Michael Scott, carrying out his weird vendetta with Jim Halpert, or talking about the brutal realities of farm life, The Office fans can really never get enough of Dwight.

If you're in the mood for a good laugh, read on to revisit some of Dwight Schrute's funniest quotes from The Office. 

#1. "Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!"

#2. "Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would, I do not do that thing."

#3. "I am faster than 80% of all snakes." 

#4. "Jim told me you could buy gaydar online."

#5. "You better learn your rules. If you don’t, you’ll be eaten in your sleep."

#6. "A real man swallows his vomit when a lady is present."

#7. "In the wild, there is no healthcare. Healthcare is oh, I broke my leg! A lion comes and eats you, you’re dead. Well, I’m not dead, I’m the lion. You’re dead!”

#8. "No, I disagree. 'R' is one of the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it murder, and not muckduck."

#9. "I never thought I’d say this, but I think I ate too much bone marrow.”

#10. "Today, smoking is going to save lives."

Jim Halpert (John Krasinski) and Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson) appear in a scene from The Office, Season 9 Episode 4. Photo: Chris Haston/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank

#11. "Who is Justice Beaver?"

#12. "Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up I performed my own circumcision."

#13. "Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will."

#14. "I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides."

#15. "We Schrutes use every part of the goose.The meat has a delicious smoky rich flavor. Plus, you can use the molten goose grease and save it in the refrigerator. Thus, saving you a trip to the store for an expensive can of goose grease."

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#16. "Yes, I shouted fire. I shouted many things."

#17. "Of course I see saw. Mose and I see saw all the time.”

#18. "That baby is a Schrute. And unless someone taught Mose sex, that baby is mine."

#19. "Okay... See you later, Pan."

#20. "People underestimate the power of nostalgia. Nostalgia is truly one of the greatest human weaknesses, second only to the neck."

#21. "I am fast. To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose...and a panther."

#22. "I don't care what Jim says, that is not the real Ben Franklin."

#23. "Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man."

#24. "You couldn’t handle my undivided attention.”

#25. "I love catching people in the act. That's why I always whip open doors."

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#26. "Check for an organ donor card. If he has one, we only have minutes to harvest."

#27. "Yes, I have a wig for every single person in the office. You never know when you’re going to need to bear a passing resemblance to someone."

#28. "We have to establish a pee corner!"

#29. "Women love gossip, it's like air to you people. Ugh, God!"

#30. "I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me."

Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson) in The Office Season 9 Episode 17. Photo: Tyler Golden/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank

#31. "Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?"

#32. "Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate twice the speed of a normal man's."

#33. "Michael always says K-I-S-S. Keep it simple stupid. Great advice, hurts my feelings every time!"

#34. "Hey, you know what's even cooler than Triceratops? Every other dinosaur that ever existed!" 

#35. "Pam is constantly throwing up because of the pregnancy. If she eats something the fetus doesn't like, she is screwed. It's amazing. A three ounce fetus is calling the shots. It's so badass!"

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#36. "Why are there so many people here? There's too many people on this earth. We need a new plague."

#37. "Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms."

#38. "Always the Padawan. Never the Jedi."

#39. "I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog."

#40. "Buttlicker! Our prices have never been lower!" 

#41. "I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life."

#42. "As of this morning, we are completely wireless here on Schrute Farms. As soon as I find out where Mose hid all the wires, we'll have that power back on."

#43. "First rule in roadside beet sales, put the most attractive beets on top. The ones that make you pull the car over and go, 'Wow, I need this beet right now.'"

#44. "Women are like wolves. If you want one, you must trap it. Snare it. Tame it. Feed it."

#45. "Will I get over it? Mmm. No. But life goes on."